First day of school

With a degree of trepidation, the Educator walked back into school for the first time in six weeks. The children would return the following day and for now the prospect of meeting after meeting loomed large.

He paused for a moment whilst he mentally peeled off his real persona – the gentle family man who’d enjoyed spending time with his family, playing golf and sparking up the BBQ at any given opportunity – and put on his alter ego; The Educator!

Despite a propensity to perhaps over indulge during his time off, he didn’t mind what he became once through the school gates. He knew that it was a calling, a vocation of sorts to rid the Education system of the drivel and petty bureaucracy that exists. It protected him from the drudgery and any small victories were hugely satisfying.

The electronic gates clanged shut behind him shielding him from the outside world and slowly he could feel his powers beginning to return. He spied a colleague who gave him a cheery greeting. The Educator waved back, but noticed that the aforementioned colleague sported a new, slightly less grey, hairstyle than the previous term. With a mischievous grin he sent out his hair ray (designed to put paid to flicked fringes and Mohicans) and turned a patch on the back of his colleagues head back to the grey it had been before.

As he walked he felt all his powers returning and it was invigorating. The holiday had done him the world of good and he felt rejuvenated. He felt positive, ready to educate and to ‘facilitate learning’. He stopped for a moment and then nearly laughed out loud. Facilitate learning? What was he turning into? You’re a teacher he mentally chided to himself. Never forget that. You teach. Kids learn.

He looked around smiling at the joke he told himself and opened the door to the main hall. The room was buzzing with conversation and walking around he shook hands with many of his teaching brethren and shared the right amount of pleasantries before boredom set in. Excusing himself from a fascinating conversation on allotment vegetables, he found himself a quiet corner and sat down to watch the room without drawing too much attention to himself.

He smiled as the PE department bundled through the door, full of bravado, suntans and good humour. He admired their back slapping enthusiasm and enjoyed those moments he took a team or was involved in some sporting endeavour or other. The modern languages department followed close behind, relieved to be able to come in quietly behind the whirlwind of testosterone before them and timidly made their way as far away from them as possible to do.

And then Educator spied him.

The big boss man.

The headmaster.

Swimming through his staff like a shark, he firmly shook a hand here, shared a thought there and looked the epitome of good health. He caught the Educator’s eye and nodded a greeting across the room which he returned. And it was then that he caught it. That look in his eye. It seemed to reveal the Headmaster’s thoughts for a fleeting moment and too quickly he looked away. The Educator smiled to himself. The headmaster didn’t have a very good poker face.

The Educator caught his thoughts: wholsesale changes in the curriculum, development plans, philosophy for children, practice inspection lessons, staff meetings on Fridays after school and having to pay for school dinners. It didn’t bode well. 

Tut, tut thought the Educator as he watched the Headmaster bring the room to order. He avoided looking in the Educator’s direction and coughed before he began. The Educator sat up in his seat and with a gentle wave of the fingers of his left hand sent out his patented reality ray. That should do it he thought, sitting back and watching with interest.

The Headmaster paused for a moment as if thinking of what he should say. He looked momentarily confused before he began. What came out seemed to catch him by surprise but he couldn’t stop himself.

“Welcome back to everybody. I do so hope you’ve had a fantastic holiday. I for one think it will be a superb year. You are a highly talented staff and there’s nothing that I could possibly initiate that would make us, as a school any better. Keep up the good work and enjoy the pay rise that was promised you three years ago. School lunches for all staff will be free. I have also decided to cancel all meetings today. Get your classrooms ready and have a good term.”

For a moment the room was stunned into a stupefied silence. Was this really happening? The Educator started to clap and in an instant the room was standing and applauding the headmaster. The felt they ought to in case he came to his senses. Slightly embarrassed, the headmaster took the applause with good grace and as he left the room shot an angry glance at the Educator who smiled serenely, halo intact.

Trouble in the park.

The Educator is on his summer holidays like most of his teaching brethren. For him, it’s almost a relief, as he gets the chance to return to being normal. Added to that is the relinquishing of his supernatural powers that only being in an educational establishment gets activated. Nothing much riles our intrepid holiday maker, but just occasionally a little something gets his juices flowing…

Driving through one of Her Majesty’s parks in London on a sunny August afternoon at twenty miles per hour, the Educator in hibernation had the roof down in his rumbling old Jaguar. He was thoroughly enjoying the breeze in his greying hair and appreciating the sheer grandeur of the stags going about their business when something odd occurred.

A believer in keeping to speed limits, he was driving at the snail’s pace required by the Park Authorities and had reached an incline in the road. He began to crawl downhill, trying to keep the heavy car at the required speed when three cyclists appeared on his bumper. Clad in their gear: helmets, expensive goggles and bikes you could life with your little finger they looked the very epitome of modern twenty first century fanaticism. He smiled slightly, the contrast between eighties flash and the noughties technology couldn’t have been more evident.

Obviously irritated by his speed and constant dabbing of the brakes to keep the old car from applying the laws of gravity upon it, they gesticulated angrily for him to pull over. Unused to this sort of aggression from two wheeled transportation he obliged and as they sped past they all gave him the middle finger.

He sat there for a moment as the V8 burbled away quietly and then pulled out carefully again. As he carried on through the park his anger grew and he was irritated it wasn’t term time when he could have neutralised them all with one flick of his little finger! His ire was pushed further when two more cyclists whizzed past him shaking their heads. He glanced down at his speedo which read 20mph – did this limit not apply to cyclists in the same way as it did to car owners? He knew the police took a dim view to speeding motorists in the park, so this seemed a bit strange. He made it home without any further problems but vowed to get a little bit of revenge in the morning.

The next day, he took out the family Chelsea tractor figuring it was a larger beast to pass and with his spaniel panting in the boot with anticipation of his morning ablutions, they set off to his preferred walking spot. The Educator looked in the wing mirror. The dog panted away and he felt like doing the same. He was quite excited. Suddenly, he saw a row of cyclist exerting themselves behind him. Game on he thought.

Again he let them catch up as he crawled up the same incline and as they crested it he accelerated slightly, nervous about the speed limit misdemeanour but figuring it was worth it. The cyclists weren’t going fast enough to overtake. As he hoped a line of cars came the other way and as soon as they did he slowed right down to tem miles an hour. He noticed with amusement that another three cyclists had joined his peloton. As the cars past the first cyclist tried to overtake but he sped up leaving the bemused cyclist to attempt to speed up, pumping his legs to get the required speed, but to no avail.

The educator grinned as the lead cyclist shook his fist. Driving on he successfully kept the increasing trail of cyclists behind him repeating each change in speed in the same way. He was nearing his walking spot when he saw the tell-tale sign of a blue flashing light behind. The opposite side of the road was free and the police car accelerated up next to the Educator in hibernation who slid down his window. They were now alongside one another driving two abreast much to the consternation of the cyclists.

“Morning sir.”

“Morning officer.”

“Nice day for a drive.”

“Indeed so.”

“Keeping to the speed limit?”

“Trying to.”

“Annoying the cyclists?”

“Hoping so.”

“Good work. I spend my life trying to slow this lot down. We need more public spirited members of the community such as yourself. Keep up the good work.”

“Will do officer.” He grinned as the panda car sped past him. Up ahead he saw his car park and proceeded to put on his indicator. He checked all his mirrors carefully, noting at least twenty cyclists now in the train of frustrated heart busters behind. Mischievously he allowed an elderly couple to crawl out and take his place, then carefully crunched into the car park.

Better than break duty any day he thought cheerfully to himself as he manoeuvred into a space and switched off his engine. Job done.

 

The Wish by DS Affleck

Just read DS Affleck's novel The Wish. His is the first book I've agreed to review. Happy to receive and review more. Just leave a post and I'll get back to you if you can sell me your book in 50 words!! Great book. Enjoyed the characters particularly The Warrior. Reminds me a bit of The Educator! Well worth a read and comes highly recommended. The story is really well written and it builds to a terrifying climax at the end. Can't wait for the next book.

Staffroom Trouble

Monday morning finds our intrepid hero, The Educator, refreshed, happy and full of fantastic ideas after a fruitful weekend. The week ahead looked exciting; activities planned for the students to think and learn, ready to unleash on his classes.

Whistling a tune only he could recognise, The Educator reached the staffroom door and paused unsure of whether to enter or not. He reached out his hand and laughed at himself for his hesitation before pushing open the door he entered the inner sanctum. The moment he did he wished he hadn’t – something was amiss. Instead of turning around he carried on in, his sensory powers jangling in alarm. He felt vertiginous for a fleeting moment, his vision swimming in and out of focus. Fearing he might fall over, he held onto the coffee machine as the weight of everyone’s thoughts and emotions hit him like a battering ram, threatening to overwhelm him.

His colleagues paused for a moment and glanced at him quizzically, fearfully even, before engaging in their animated conversations once more. The Educator tried to clear his mind enough to think and desperately attempted to recall the tune he was humming just seconds earlier, but this peaceful state of being was gone. Shattered. He reached for a coffee cup, hoping that a shot of caffeine might relax him, but the combined consciousness and dark mood of the staff room hit him again. He attempted to put the cup in the machine, but his shaking hands dropped the cup which clattered to the floor.

A kaleidoscope of emotions swirled around him as images of unhappy and underwhelmed humans blasted him with their negative rays of emotion.

POW! A heavy blow to the solar plexus took his breath away as the image of a pile of unmarked examination papers hit him hard.

SMACK! A flurry of rabbit punches in his kidneys made him double over as reports of unruly children underperforming in Maths and Science brought tears to his eyes.

BOOM! Slaps to both cheeks made him cry out as a potential meeting with headmaster loomed for someone in the next half an hour.

These blows were seriously weakening The Educator and he looked around desperately for the perpetrator of this heinous act of black hattery. Edward de Bono would have been seriously impressed to see his theory of the human brain being utilised to such devastating effect! The Educator forced himself to be calm and began to deflect back all the negativity, searching, all the while searching.

And there, sitting amidst all her colleagues, was the villain. She sat back, arms folded and watched as the chaos she had caused with her negativity, lack of enthusiasm and hatred of all things educational had permeating around the room. She smiled slightly as the Educator caught her eye and then she froze. Her smile turned to a grimace and she stood up abruptly. The game was up.

The Educator shook his head and humming his earlier tune once again summoned up all his De Bono hat powers and blasted her with green, blue, red, yellow and white bolts of positive energy. She screamed and writhed in agony as positive emptions, alien to this so called teacher’s psyche swept over her. The Educator swept his hand over the room and all the black thoughts that had pervaded the other teachers’ thoughts left them and turned back on her. Her hair stood on end as her feet left the floor and without warning she exploded into shower of violet flower petals.  

The Educator picked up his coffee cup from the floor and began to brew his java as his befuddled colleagues gathered their thoughts and thanked him as they left the room. He smiled to himself and took an explorative sip of his coffee as he viewed the pile of petals that was the remains of the History teacher. The Headmaster murmured a good morning as he entered the room, before following the Educators gaze. He tutted slightly and then spoke, “For heaven sake Educator, please stop vaporising the staff. It’s costing me a fortune in supply teachers!"

“Sorry Headmaster.” Chuckled Educator as he left the room to unleash a grammar lesson with a difference on an unsuspecting Year 7 class.

Where to begin?

The Educator! Sounds like a spandex-wearing, homework-wielding Marvel creation. Let me assure I'm not, although superhero powers would be awesome in silencing troublesome classes and members of the senior management team. Imagine this...

"Excuse me sir?" Uttered the boy for the umpteenth time. The Educator, unimpressed with the constant interruption, used all his powers to calm himself down. But with a mischievous grin, he changed his mind and stupefied the boy with his knowledge stare, rendering the miscreant useless. Satisfied, The Educator continued with the lesson as the Deputy Head poked his head in.

"Sorry to disturb you," uttered the Headmaster's simpering sycophant, "but is there any chance you could pop in to see me at break?" The Educator raised one eyebrow and looked at the class. One brave boy nodded and said quietly, "Use the disintegrator ray sir." The Educator seemed pleased with this and turned to address the irksome presence within his domain. Without saying a word, he retrieved the pen from the interactive whiteboard, raised it and blasted the Deputy Head into a pile of white dust. The door closed silently as the dust of the former bothersome member of staff gently dissipated and the class broke into a round of applause...

Good teachers are a rare breed of folk. If, like me, you love the profession, but loathe the politics and the nonsense, then stick with The Educator. He can't promise to blast away your troubles with his fearsome powers, but he can make you feel a little better. More adventures coming soon...